Its been a month.. It has taken me a lot of guts to actually sit down and write this blog.. I have always believed that whatever happens, happens for good, not this one.. The utter wrongness of life had never dawned upon me as its doing now.. One in a million chance.. and you never ever imagine that such extreme can happen to you..

Her skin, as soft as u can imagine , her voice chirupping around all the time, the way her hair looked after she had just washed them, her random pings on YM, her waking me up in the morning, her getting excited about stupid things, her.. hmm..
Can not bear the thought that i ll never see her, hear her voice again.. Cant bear the thought that she wont be there to witness it when i achieve anything worthwhile, when i fall in love, when i have kids.. Cant bear the thought of knowing how it happened.. how ruthlessly and how sudden..
I wish i was more like her. So delicate.. so pretty.. I wish i looked like her ( would have gotten to see everyday in the mirror.. ), People have told me i sound like her(at least on the phone). I wish i knew how to cook as well as she did. I wish i had hair like her.. silky and forever young.. at an age of 52 they still dint have any white in them.. I wish i was so clear about life as she was: “simple living and high thinking”, “think big”, “enjoy the little things in life” I wish i could love so selflessly. I wish i was as cute and full of life as she was..
She was the most important thing. The loss is there to stay. Right now cant think of a single thing that i can look forward to.. everything seems so silly, so meaningless. Smiling hurts, laughing is such an effort, being happy seems so frivolous.. but you do that.. i know i will.. cos thats how life is..

Life in a nutshell

So many things to blog about, no time. To cut several long stories short:
Went for the Bike trip. was awesome fun . love painting, love kids. thinking of mixing the two things. Met Manju. cool lady! Went to Bosco. Utsav- explore, express, exhilarate. Gaia-need to figure out the details. Close friend had a baby. yeee!! Office-Thinking of preparing a tech talk. Parul in blr. Coorg trip. Deepak went back. Mis him a lot. New roommate Vandita. She s fun. Got sponsorship for the stationary from Axis Books. yey!! That 70s show. watch it all day. Inspired by vandita, cleaned the house. Valentine s day. Missed the hack day. Pizzahut-Mr. Unnikrishnan looks positive, fingers crossed. Got a new maid. She understands hindi. Looking forward to the Utsav day over the weekend. Still finalizing on the details.
All this probably doesn’t make much sense. But thats life! and i love it!!

The Last Lecture

Just finished reading up this book. “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch. Truly inspiring. The guy just a few months away from his death captures his best moments, takes us through his childhood dreams and gives us this amazing insight into what made his life so amazing. Definitely makes me think about what i will say if i ever had to give a “Last Lecture”(hopefully not soon).

I remember being 12-13ish and living in a society. I remember the moonlight picnics we used to have, where the kids would bring dinners to the roof in the night and share it. One of the max fun memory i have is of the “mount averest” game where we would pretend being followed by huge Yetis and hopping around to avoid the hot lava. :D:D

As a little kid, i wanted to become an astronaut. I dont think i knew the word then. I remember “knowing” that earth is blue and its round and we live “inside” it. I guess i was confusing with the horizen effect and the earth being round. 😀

Just like Randy mentions my parents have always been super cool. They would never stop us from doing weird things. Those weekly exhibitions me and my brothers would hold. The bestest of it being the planetorium my elder brother managed to makefrom the refrigirator carton. He made a few holes with the compass,  he wud make us go through a tunnel(tv carton) and once we were in, he wud throw the torch light from outside. Most beautiful “made up” stars i ever saw!!

Me and Bhaiya                                                        All of us in Khandala

We had shifted to my Dads office compound. The whole area was abundant with all kinds of trees, animals, birds. What i remember max are the peacocks!!! How they wd dance every morning in front of our lawn. And i remember the mango tree, the tricks and techniques we would use to make the fruit fall off. Another thing i realize after reading the book, how glad i am that my parents let the lawn remain our playground unlike the neighbours who had pretty flowers in theirs. My dad always encouraged us to go out, play, often joining us.

I remember the time when i came second missing the 1st position by just 0.1% in the class. I was so disappointed, i remember falling sick. When my dad got transferred from Delhi to Bhuvaneshwar,it was probably the most upsetting thing i experienced as a kid. I remember crying my eyes out for days, missing my school, my friends, my teachers. Kinda feels funny now. Makes me realize no matter how crazily difficult, heartbreaking and impossible the situation seems, the time always passes by and when you look back you realize it wasnt worth getting so much upset about.

Now that i am in bangalore, away from my parents, the thing i remember most is my mom’s hand. They are so pink, they always look like being smudged with “red holi wala gulal”.

Life in bangalore however has been awesome till now. Have an amazing group of friends. Crazily fun gang, highly motivated and party freaks. Deepak(my younger bro) being here is just the cherry on top. The random bike rides, going to CCDs, sitting there for hours reading a book, going for movie at 10 pm at night. I realize this is time i will probably never forget.

Recalling all these sure makes me feel lucky. Its never too soon to start looking back :):)

Bday 09

“Surprise!!”, they shouted when i entered the room. It was filled with the smoke clouds. The disco lights danced around the wall, 100-200 red heart shaped balloons lying on the floor. 15-20 people all in red, “Monika… oh my darling!!” they sang… And that was how my Xth birthday started!
They had some sheets of paper in hand and asked me count.. and by the time i finished, a huge poster of mine was staring down at me, much like “rab ne bana di jodi style”. Then came the cake, the “happy bday to u…”, blowing the candle, cutting the cake, putting it on my face..

And then came the awesome gifts!! A beautiful handmade card on which everybody had dropped in msgs, One huge easel, lotsa paints, the canvas, brushes, palette, shoes, a bird that sings and dances if you clap near it, more colours, chocolates, another huge photo, more colours, bag, jewelry, teddy basket, another bag, a cute keychain, another bag, more cards and more colours..

And then came the dancing and singing and shouting and more dancing! The party began!!!

I realize how lucky i am to have such amazing gang of friends. The past months have simply been awesome. Life pretty much rocks!

spirit of life

Yesterday’s blasts shook the city. Even though they were of mild intensity they created a lot of panic. One of my friends was traveling and after 2-3 hours of worrying it was a great relief to finally get his message saying he has reached home.
I remember the blasts in delhi. All of my family members were traveling then. The panic was quadrupled by the fact the cell network was jam and nobody could track where the other person is. Everybody heaved sigh of relief once all of us were back home safe and sound. This however was not true for everybody in the city. The most shocking pictures were of sarojini nagar market, one of my frequent hangout places. One of the bombs was placed at the chaat corner where at any given time at least 30 people are standing. I could only imagine the extent of the impact. The place commonly bubbling with life was in shatters..The most surprising thing however was how within 2 days, it all started looking the same. The shops, the chaats, the crowd, the chattering. It was very heartwarming to witness how life always finds its way.
While coming back i decided to walk back in the rain. Rain always has this enormous effect on me. As i felt the drops trickling down my face i noticed how nothing looked different. The beautiful drizzles, traffic jams.. bangalore lived on. The walk had me reflecting on a lot of things. Life, its spirit, its stubbornness . Life never ceases to amaze me.