Be Selfish

Be selfish
Pamper yourself,

fall in love
let yourself crash

laugh out loud..
have the best time of your life every second

be silly
dance around without a worry in your head

take pride in yourself
never be alone even when no one else is there

fly high.
whistle loud

Have no regrets
no unshed tears

Don’t curb
let noone else tell you what you can and cant do

Be selfish.

Ramblings of a Silly Wife

After working in the same office for over 2 years my awesome darling (stupid) husband recently decided to move to a different company and hence a different office. While I am a big fan of NASA, I don’t necessarily agree with the self proclaimed wise people when they say space is good in a relationship.

The stupid poem I sent him yesterday:

I wait for it to be five like crazy
Oh cruel love of mine..
Why do you go away from me
everyday after nine..

I miss you, my mister,
those eyes, how they wink and twinkle and shine
I miss the cute emoticons
while chatting with you online

I miss bitching about same people
How we used to crib and whine
Work on crazy ideas together
we were partners in crime

I want to be with you every minute, every second
Your presence as intoxicating as old vine
Oh cruel love of mine, then tell me..
why do you have to go away from me everyday .. after nine.

All that matters

All that matters is your saying “good girl”
after smallest of things I do..
All that matters is your stupid jokes
when I am extremely mad at you..

All that matters is your smile,
and kind words combined..
All that matters is your flirty look, when I
have thousand other things on my mind..

All that matters is us laughing crazy
bedtime in the nights..
All that matters is our patching up quick
after all the silly fights..

All that matters is your warm hug,
at the end of each day..
All that matters is your kiss each and every morning,
it never gets cliche.

All that matters is you still love me..
after all this time..
All that matters is that you still make me want to ..
write poems and make them rhyme.

Longing

To decipher it I find hard, I fail to comprehend..
A feeling so strange, I cant quite befriend.

it sinks me to the depths, it takes me beyond higher..
It mourns for a loss, or pines with desire.

Hidden deep in the darkness.. it beams,
It dwells in my silence.. A longing so loud, it screams.

When you are with me..

This is the latest painting I have made. This is probably the first abstract art I have made.

I guess there might be other ways to interpret it. However, this is my interpretation:

When you are with me..

I feel wind in my hair..
sun shining in the sky,
bubbles in my heart..
a fluttering butterfly.

I see no color..
feel their vibrance on my skin,
feel the calm of nothingness..
somewhere deep within.

Everything feels dreamy..
it is all surreal,
I am blind to the world..
I can only feel.

——————————————————
P.S: I am aware there is no word like “vibrance”. I just like the way it sounds. Much like Shakespeare I like to invent words 😀 . Also, there is reflection of the window on the glass frame, hence this photo of the painting is not that great ( the painting looks much better, me thinks 😀 )

Acquaintance with love

“It is nice meeting you”, i tell him..
he asks “how nice..”
“My heart is filled with bliss
and my tummy butterflies..”

“See what i got for you” he says
“check in my bag what lies..”
I answer as sweet I can..
“Sheer your presence would suffice”

“I have with me calm of your heart
and end of all your sighs..
I bring joy with me,
I am happiness in disguise..”

I wonder at my luck ..
I look at him with surprise
Take a minute to believe it all
and thank him for the precious prize..

“Promise me you wont go”,
I say tears in my eyes..
He looks at me,
takes my hands and smiles..
“I am here to stay.. my darling..
Until the end of days arrives..”

Don’t Ever

Read this somewhere:

Don’t Ever Give up If You Still Want to try,
Don’t Ever Wipe Your Tears If You Still Want to cry.
Don’t Ever Settle for an Answer If You Still Want to know.
Don’t Ever Say You Don’t Love Him If You Can’t Let Him Go.

Being Mad

I am extremely mad today. For more than one reason. When i tell my friends, they try to cheer me up. I dont want that!! Being mad doesn’t happen a lot to me and i want to feel it at least for one day. Being mad is a weird experience for me. An undiscovered territory. I am trying to do a little research. I have this so far:

– When i am mad I crib
– When i am very mad I keep silent until it goes away
– When i am really really mad, I cry.

This is not good. I need some violence!! Throw a few things here and there, break a few glasses, hopefully some bones. Being mad shouldn’t be so boring. Damn!

Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

I thought saying bye to you would be easy, its not..
I thought I’d try and forgive you.. I don’t think i can..

How could you be so cold hearted..
so ruthless to take away what mattered most..
so selfish to ensure that you ll shadow over for all the years yet to come..

Maybe you never meant to be this hurtful.
Maybe its not your fault.
But i know I am going to hate you for the rest of my life..

I wish you had never come into my life.
I wish i could erase you from the timeline.
I truly wish from the core of my heart you never existed.

I wish i could say i am glad you are over, but i know you are not.
I know you will stay with me and haunt me forever…

– Monika

Loss..

Its been a month.. It has taken me a lot of guts to actually sit down and write this blog.. I have always believed that whatever happens, happens for good, not this one.. The utter wrongness of life had never dawned upon me as its doing now.. One in a million chance.. and you never ever imagine that such extreme can happen to you..

Her skin, as soft as u can imagine , her voice chirupping around all the time, the way her hair looked after she had just washed them, her random pings on YM, her waking me up in the morning, her getting excited about stupid things, her.. hmm..
Can not bear the thought that i ll never see her, hear her voice again.. Cant bear the thought that she wont be there to witness it when i achieve anything worthwhile, when i fall in love, when i have kids.. Cant bear the thought of knowing how it happened.. how ruthlessly and how sudden..
I wish i was more like her. So delicate.. so pretty.. I wish i looked like her ( would have gotten to see everyday in the mirror.. ), People have told me i sound like her(at least on the phone). I wish i knew how to cook as well as she did. I wish i had hair like her.. silky and forever young.. at an age of 52 they still dint have any white in them.. I wish i was so clear about life as she was: “simple living and high thinking”, “think big”, “enjoy the little things in life” I wish i could love so selflessly. I wish i was as cute and full of life as she was..
She was the most important thing. The loss is there to stay. Right now cant think of a single thing that i can look forward to.. everything seems so silly, so meaningless. Smiling hurts, laughing is such an effort, being happy seems so frivolous.. but you do that.. i know i will.. cos thats how life is..

Blue Sky

There were times when the sky was blue,
Bright and lush and free..
And then came the times when it turned grey..
Dark and stormy and scary..

Now i keep put, under this roof of mine,
Cozy and warm and dry,
Just one thing i miss..
Sight of that amazing, carefree, crazy sky..

The Last Lecture

Just finished reading up this book. “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch. Truly inspiring. The guy just a few months away from his death captures his best moments, takes us through his childhood dreams and gives us this amazing insight into what made his life so amazing. Definitely makes me think about what i will say if i ever had to give a “Last Lecture”(hopefully not soon).

I remember being 12-13ish and living in a society. I remember the moonlight picnics we used to have, where the kids would bring dinners to the roof in the night and share it. One of the max fun memory i have is of the “mount averest” game where we would pretend being followed by huge Yetis and hopping around to avoid the hot lava. :D:D

As a little kid, i wanted to become an astronaut. I dont think i knew the word then. I remember “knowing” that earth is blue and its round and we live “inside” it. I guess i was confusing with the horizen effect and the earth being round. 😀

Just like Randy mentions my parents have always been super cool. They would never stop us from doing weird things. Those weekly exhibitions me and my brothers would hold. The bestest of it being the planetorium my elder brother managed to makefrom the refrigirator carton. He made a few holes with the compass,  he wud make us go through a tunnel(tv carton) and once we were in, he wud throw the torch light from outside. Most beautiful “made up” stars i ever saw!!


Me and Bhaiya                                                        All of us in Khandala

We had shifted to my Dads office compound. The whole area was abundant with all kinds of trees, animals, birds. What i remember max are the peacocks!!! How they wd dance every morning in front of our lawn. And i remember the mango tree, the tricks and techniques we would use to make the fruit fall off. Another thing i realize after reading the book, how glad i am that my parents let the lawn remain our playground unlike the neighbours who had pretty flowers in theirs. My dad always encouraged us to go out, play, often joining us.

I remember the time when i came second missing the 1st position by just 0.1% in the class. I was so disappointed, i remember falling sick. When my dad got transferred from Delhi to Bhuvaneshwar,it was probably the most upsetting thing i experienced as a kid. I remember crying my eyes out for days, missing my school, my friends, my teachers. Kinda feels funny now. Makes me realize no matter how crazily difficult, heartbreaking and impossible the situation seems, the time always passes by and when you look back you realize it wasnt worth getting so much upset about.

Now that i am in bangalore, away from my parents, the thing i remember most is my mom’s hand. They are so pink, they always look like being smudged with “red holi wala gulal”.

Life in bangalore however has been awesome till now. Have an amazing group of friends. Crazily fun gang, highly motivated and party freaks. Deepak(my younger bro) being here is just the cherry on top. The random bike rides, going to CCDs, sitting there for hours reading a book, going for movie at 10 pm at night. I realize this is time i will probably never forget.

Recalling all these sure makes me feel lucky. Its never too soon to start looking back :):)

To blog or not to blog

I have often wondered why i don’t keep a blog. Maybe because i am lazy, maybe because i don’t know what to write, because i think its useless or maybe because i am just too possessive about my “dear diary” and i just don’t want to share it. A lot of reasons not to write, just one for actually sitting and doing it. It sounds like fun, it does. (and i am really bored.)
I have always liked writing poems since the time i used to write for my dad, it is another thing that nobody except him has liked reading them. Anyways here is a sincere effort to keep the rhyming alive. If you read it in a sing song voice you might actually like it.

To write about the way i feel or about the daily deal,
Do i let the words just flow, or think and write real slow..

Do i talk about my friends or about the latest trends,
look back and ponder what i lost, or predict yahoo-microsoft,

Do i really have to share or just beat around here and there,
Do i have to make my poem rhyme(:d) or random scribble will be fine,

Can i crib about my boss and indulge in the latest goss(ip)
Or should i worry people would get cross,

Am i allowed to copy paste or be original even if it is a waste..
Do i run a spell check before, or use instead b4..

Should i confess my fears, or boast about my dares
let you know i m confused, or say who cares,

Or i just not worry, don’t fumble or prepare,
Blog what i want, whatever i want to share..