All that matters

All that matters is your saying “good girl”
after smallest of things I do..
All that matters is your stupid jokes
when I am extremely mad at you..

All that matters is your smile,
and kind words combined..
All that matters is your flirty look, when I
have thousand other things on my mind..

All that matters is us laughing crazy
bedtime in the nights..
All that matters is our patching up quick
after all the silly fights..

All that matters is your warm hug,
at the end of each day..
All that matters is your kiss each and every morning,
it never gets cliche.

All that matters is you still love me..
after all this time..
All that matters is that you still make me want to ..
write poems and make them rhyme.

Web comic

After spending definitely unjustifiable number of hours on xkcd, questinablecontent, abstrusegoose, phdcomics etc etc got inspired to work on my own Web Comic. “Before and After”. Check it out here: Link to Comic

I think its hilarious :D. I am planning to update one comic everyday. Very optimistic goal

Wedding!

And yeah by the way the biggest update ever! :

More details: http://gauravmonika.wordpress.com/

Longing

To decipher it I find hard, I fail to comprehend..
A feeling so strange, I cant quite befriend.

it sinks me to the depths, it takes me beyond higher..
It mourns for a loss, or pines with desire.

Hidden deep in the darkness.. it beams,
It dwells in my silence.. A longing so loud, it screams.

Planning

Pen and Paper in hand, I wrote down all the variables, current state, drew a time line, jotted down the priorities and the constraints and started working on the flowcharts. After 2 hours what did I figure out? Not a great way to plan your life.

When you are with me..

This is the latest painting I have made. This is probably the first abstract art I have made.

I guess there might be other ways to interpret it. However, this is my interpretation:

When you are with me..

I feel wind in my hair..
sun shining in the sky,
bubbles in my heart..
a fluttering butterfly.

I see no color..
feel their vibrance on my skin,
feel the calm of nothingness..
somewhere deep within.

Everything feels dreamy..
it is all surreal,
I am blind to the world..
I can only feel.

——————————————————
P.S: I am aware there is no word like “vibrance”. I just like the way it sounds. Much like Shakespeare I like to invent words . Also, there is reflection of the window on the glass frame, hence this photo of the painting is not that great ( the painting looks much better, me thinks )

Acquaintance with love

“It is nice meeting you”, i tell him..
he asks “how nice..”
“My heart is filled with bliss
and my tummy butterflies..”

“See what i got for you” he says
“check in my bag what lies..”
I answer as sweet I can..
“Sheer your presence would suffice”

“I have with me calm of your heart
and end of all your sighs..
I bring joy with me,
I am happiness in disguise..”

I wonder at my luck ..
I look at him with surprise
Take a minute to believe it all
and thank him for the precious prize..

“Promise me you wont go”,
I say tears in my eyes..
He looks at me,
takes my hands and smiles..
“I am here to stay.. my darling..
Until the end of days arrives..”

Don’t Ever

Read this somewhere:

Don’t Ever Give up If You Still Want to try,
Don’t Ever Wipe Your Tears If You Still Want to cry.
Don’t Ever Settle for an Answer If You Still Want to know.
Don’t Ever Say You Don’t Love Him If You Can’t Let Him Go.

Together..

My latest painting :

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Short story – The Fallen Leaf

Disclaimer: This work is a piece of fiction.

The Fallen Leaf

June 19, 2010
It’s been a week since I saw him last. It seems like yesterday. I remember how he looked. He wore that blue shirt I absolutely love. His hair was all messy, he had not slept all night. I could tell by the way he looked at me that something was terribly wrong. His brown eyes were filled with concern. My heart couldn’t bear that look. Sure, I had seen that look before but it was never this serious. I kept trying to ask him, “What’s wrong baby?” He wouldn’t tell me. He just kept looking at me, holding me in his hands.

June 21, 2010
I lie down here, falling on and off sleep. Without him, life is meaningless. I am a fallen leaf, an empty vase. I feel as if my heart would collapse, as if this darkness will engulf me.

June 23, 2010
It all started when we decided to take the next big step in our relationship. These things are never easy. But I knew I could trust him. I loved him. And I knew, he loved me. Nothing could go wrong. But it did. I don’t blame him. I know in my heart, he must have tried his best to save me. It’s just that sometimes life is not fair.

June 24, 2010
I worry for him. He must be lost without me. There has not been a single day in the past 2 years that he did not meet me, did not hold me in his arms.

June 26, 2010
I miss him. I don’t care what happened, anymore. I am ready to forget it all. If only he would come back.  If only I could hear his voice once more, feel his touch around me. If only things would go back to being the way they were.

June 28, 2010
I opened my eyes, and there he was! Oh! He looked so amazing. His face glowed and his eyes glittered. How dearly I love him! How his touch gives meaning to my very essence. “I missed you so much! I knew you would come back for me.” I said.

He looked at me like he had never seen me before, like I was the most beautiful thing in the world. He stared at me lovingly, held me in his hands, and told me how much he missed me. “Thank god! Finally! I managed to boot you up! I am so sorry! I will never try to install windows on you ever again!“, He said.

“I love you baby, no matter what..” I told him.

He picked me up in his arms and headed towards home.

The dream last night – A puzzle story

Heres a silly story i wrote today. I have jumbled it all up! See hints at the end.

• A butterfly was fluttering around the garden. The cat saw it, jumped on it and scared it!! Bad cat!!!
• I was so so scared. But then I saw the snowman was wriggling around in my garden and squishing all the pretty flowers. Aaarggghh.. That made me mad and I shouted at him!! He was taken aback, got scared and melted right then and there!
• I started putting on my shoes in a hurry. (I couldn’t leave them my behind, they were so pretty! )
• I was outside in my garden, sitting happily and sipping a cup of tea on my fancy table.
• But just as I was about to make my exit, a very scary  snowman entered my garden!! It went after the tiger.. the tiger whimpered like the cat and ran away..
• I put on my glasses to make sure that I am not seeing things!! But I was right!!
• But then came the roar!!! Raaaaaaaoouurrrrrrr!! The cat shrieked and ran away! There was a tiger in my garden!!!
• And then I woke up
• Then came the cat. It rushed after the bird and scared it!
• As I basked in the glory and danced around in my garden.. I realized something was staring at me from far away. I stood still. I kept quiet. It started moving towards me.. For a while I couldn’t make out what it was.. It was all hazy.. and then I saw it.. a white glistening scull.. moving towards me.. slowly.. constantly.. I went numb.. it kept moving.. indefinitely..
• It was early in the morning.
• I saw a pretty bird, it was dancing around happily.

Hints:

• Reorder
• Notice the bold words in the sentences.
• Checkout the picture i drew last night, on which my story is based:

And here is the answer:

It was early in the morning. I was outside in my garden, sitting happily and sipping a cup of tea on my fancy table.

I saw a pretty bird, it was dancing around happily. Then came the cat. It rushed after the bird and scared it! A butterfly was fluttering around the garden. The cat saw it, jumped on it and scared it!! Bad cat!!! But then came the roar!!! Raaaaaaaoouurrrrrrr!! The cat shrieked and ran away! There was a tiger in my garden!!! I put on my glasses to make sure that I am not seeing things!! But I was right!!! I started putting on my shoes in a hurry. (I couldn’t leave them my behind, they were so pretty! ). But just as I was about to make my exit, a very scary looking snowman entered my garden!! It went after the tiger.. the tiger whimpered like the cat and ran away.. I was so so scared. But then I saw the snowman was wriggling around in my garden and squishing all the pretty flowers. Aaarggghh.. That made me mad and I shouted at him!! He was taken aback, got scared and melted right then and there!

As I basked in the glory and danced around in my garden.. I realized something was staring at me from far away. I stood still. I kept quiet. It started moving towards me.. For a while I couldn’t make out what it was.. It was all hazy.. and then I saw it.. A white glistening scull.. moving towards me.. slowly.. constantly.. I went numb.. it kept moving.. indefinitely..

And then I woke up

Being Mad

I am extremely mad today. For more than one reason. When i tell my friends, they try to cheer me up. I dont want that!! Being mad doesn’t happen a lot to me and i want to feel it at least for one day. Being mad is a weird experience for me. An undiscovered territory. I am trying to do a little research. I have this so far:

- When i am mad I crib
- When i am very mad I keep silent until it goes away
- When i am really really mad, I cry.

This is not good. I need some violence!! Throw a few things here and there, break a few glasses, hopefully some bones. Being mad shouldn’t be so boring. Damn!

U Rock

Yay!!! I rock!!

Holi..

Happy Holi?

Dance-on-stage-phobia

I had thought 1st blog of the year should be something really awesome, but well.. if i continue thinking that, the blog will never happen. So here goes nothing. (And when i say nothing, i m just trying to be modest here.)
It might come as a surprise to my many fans(:D) that i have never performed on stage. Ever. (well i did in the action song as a kid, but that doesnt really count.).

I like to call it: Danceonstagephobia. Reasons:

1) I will forget the steps and make a fool of myself
2) I might bring an end to the myth that i can dance(My personal opinion.) and end up breaking billions of hearts of the generous souls who think i can dance(again, my personal opinion.)
3) I will look incredibly fat, which you all know I am not. (Not at all.)
4) I will fall down, and make a fool of myself.
5) I will fall down on someone else and make a fool of myself (and a jello of that someone else in the process)
6) The stage will break down and i will fall and i will make a fool of myself.
7) I will fall down and the stage will break. (No. I am not repeating point 6. Its different. Read again.)

Being the awesomely brave person i am, i decided to fight my fears and went ahead with the performance. Surprisingly and thankfully, everything went perfect. Well.. not everything. Mmm.. nothing actually, except probably the last two. The stage did not break.(Almost)
The best part however is, i was in the extreme corner so i dont think anyone really noticed me . None of my friends made fun of me really. They were either being nice, dint even recognize me with all the makeup or dint get any chance. Now being an incredibly generous friend (yup, thats me), here is your chance:
Notice the tiny(not fat) dot in extreme left at the back?? Thats me.

Dear 2009

Dear 2009,

I thought saying bye to you would be easy, its not..
I thought I’d try and forgive you.. I don’t think i can..

How could you be so cold hearted..
so ruthless to take away what mattered most..
so selfish to ensure that you ll shadow over for all the years yet to come..

Maybe you never meant to be this hurtful.
Maybe its not your fault.
But i know I am going to hate you for the rest of my life..

I wish you had never come into my life.
I wish i could erase you from the timeline.
I truly wish from the core of my heart you never existed.

I wish i could say i am glad you are over, but i know you are not.
I know you will stay with me and haunt me forever…

- Monika

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London- Supposedly

Back from London. I think i am supposed to write a blog about it. I am feeling a little lazy so I ll just write as much as i m supposed to.
I was supposed to like London right? Mmm.. I did. Kinda..
I was supposed to take a lot of pics. I dint. I made someone else do it for me
See London Eye, Big Ben, Buckingham palace etc etc. Done done and done.
I was supposed to cover a lot of things. All i managed worth mentioning is Bath and Greenvitch. Both awesome. Greenvitch was very pretty. The observatory was very interesting. And we had the most awesome Ethiopian food there!
And i know i was definitely supposed to go clubbing. I did. It wasnt much fun. It was a wrong pub to go to.
I went to a broadway show. I know i was supposed to like it. I dint. It was boring. really boring. Trust me it was!!
I know i wasnt really supposed to go to Manchester and lake district, but i did!! and i m sooo glad i did! because i had so much fun there. country side, safari park, cruise, etc etc.. yay!!
I was supposed to get a visa for Paris etc. But i dint
The tubes are supposed to be awesome. They were.
Radisson hotel is supposed to be great. It was ok. The rooms were dingy. Not really the hotel’s fault. It was central london after all. But still. It was like Harry Potters closet!
London is supposed to be one of the coolest shopping destination. Yes it was.
London is supposed to be very expensive. Yes it was. Very.
I was supposed to shop there. Yes i did. A lot.
According to popular belief people there are supposed to be rude, they were not. They were awesome. I love the fact how jolly and loud and pleasant and polite they are!!
A few of my friends think i was supposed to get a firang guy for myself. In my defense there wasnt enough time!
I think i am supposed to be jet lagged. but people who know me know how screwed up my sleeping cycles are anyways… so..
I was supposed to get chocolates and gifts. I did. Only for those who missed me.
and since i had gone on an official visit and i was supposed to work and since this is a public blog and i know some day my boss might come across this, I am gonna say. I did!!

Silly Self-Obsessesive Poem

Wrote this while waiting for a meeting to start in office. hee hee. its silly

Once upon a time there was a king,
He fell in love with a girl so amazing,
He gave away each and everything,
His cape, his crown and his ring,
Be it autumn, winter or refreshing spring..
Be it summer or be it raining,
Late night and early morning..
All he did was dance and sing..
“Monika…. Oh my darling!!!”

Shoes

I realized today that i have 27 pair of shoes! Mmm.. howcome i still dont think i have enough

shoes

Temporary perm..

Been trying different hairstyles in the past few months. This is the latest one: Perm

To-(want-to)-do list

There are a bunch of things i have been wanting to do.

• Work on a couple of short story ideas that i have(how short should a short story be ? ).
• Try my hand at painting portraits (which i totally suck at. Trust me i do. I did try a bit and based on that i do. Totally!)
• Write a blog post(which is tick now i guess).
• Go to Australia alone(Not happening!).
• Finish the book i am reading(stupid book. i don like it).
• Catch up with a lot of friends(Sorry no time).
• Spend some time doing nothing and getting bored. (ahh, the luxury of getting bored..).
• Work (a little less than i am doing now a days.)
• Sleep (More than i m doing now a days).
• Dream less while sleeping(they are too awesome and extremely vivid, they make my life look miserable in comparison. i hate that feeling in the morning., i guess thats the reason why i hate getting up apart from me being sucha lazy bum).
• Wish (There were 60 hrs in a day).

Also i wish i could have water melon now.(yum yum)

Life

i dont give a damn what you do
i know you are nothing but an illusion
just another lie
i ll keep myself busy
wont ask a thing who what or why
whatever you give me, whatever it takes
no matter how hard you try
i ll ignore you as you pass by..

New phone- Samsung Jet

Finally gave up on iPhone and bought Samsung Jet yesterday! Its pretty cool!

• Touch screen- Awesome sensitivity, hardly any delay, vibration feedback
• very sleek- 109 x 54 x 12mm
• 5 Mega Pixel Cam
• 2 gb internal memory, 16 Gb expadable.
• 3G
• Wifi
• GPS
• GPRS
• Great UI, motion sensor
• draggable widgets on home screen
• handwriting detection which works almost 95% of the time
• can lock specific apps like sms etc
• Can connect to standard computer speakers.
• facebook , Google maps etc
• Bought it for 19K INR.
• more..

I was considering Nokia 5800, iPhone as well. The main reason for not going for Nokia was it was way too thick. iPhone is damn expensive! As great as jet sounds it does have one major issue. Its based on Samsung propriety OS and hence no external downloadable applications unlike nokia s symbion and iPhone s Apple OS.

Checkout the comparision between these 3 here.

Here s a demo from youtube:

 

update: 30Nov, 09: The phone totally refuses to boot up. Looks like motherboard is screwed up. Not good!!!

without her..

muffin without chocolate chips..
party without music..
bangalore without rains..
brunch without waffles..
rainbow in black and white..
birthdays without gifts..
rose without its scent..
silence without calm..
moonless nights..
emptyness.

From Livejournal to WordPress

Just migrated from my live journal blog to the wordpress one. It was way too simple.

• Go to admin page
• Click on the tools menu on the left
• Click on import
• Import from livejournal
• Provide your LJ names and password etc.

The only issue i had was with the posts which had images and embed videos. Had to update their markup a little bit.

WordPress seems to have a bunch of awesome features which made me move to it.

• Cool widgets like being able to add twitter, my links module etc
• Stats are made available automatically
• Multiple blogs with same identity
• Static pages
• more?

I was considering blogger as well. This link helped me decide.

Not sure what i ll be missing though. Friends/communities? Lets see.

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
- Robert Frost

Loss..

Its been a month.. It has taken me a lot of guts to actually sit down and write this blog.. I have always believed that whatever happens, happens for good, not this one.. The utter wrongness of life had never dawned upon me as its doing now.. One in a million chance.. and you never ever imagine that such extreme can happen to you..

Her skin, as soft as u can imagine , her voice chirupping around all the time, the way her hair looked after she had just washed them, her random pings on YM, her waking me up in the morning, her getting excited about stupid things, her.. hmm..
Can not bear the thought that i ll never see her, hear her voice again.. Cant bear the thought that she wont be there to witness it when i achieve anything worthwhile, when i fall in love, when i have kids.. Cant bear the thought of knowing how it happened.. how ruthlessly and how sudden..
I wish i was more like her. So delicate.. so pretty.. I wish i looked like her ( would have gotten to see everyday in the mirror.. ), People have told me i sound like her(at least on the phone). I wish i knew how to cook as well as she did. I wish i had hair like her.. silky and forever young.. at an age of 52 they still dint have any white in them.. I wish i was so clear about life as she was: “simple living and high thinking”, “think big”, “enjoy the little things in life” I wish i could love so selflessly. I wish i was as cute and full of life as she was..
She was the most important thing. The loss is there to stay. Right now cant think of a single thing that i can look forward to.. everything seems so silly, so meaningless. Smiling hurts, laughing is such an effort, being happy seems so frivolous.. but you do that.. i know i will.. cos thats how life is..

The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind..

Have been listening to Katie Melua. Really like her. Like her more than Norah Jones. Her lyrics make more sense. Got hooked on to her after listening to her version of “Blowing in the wind”. I find it much better than the Dylan one:

This is me trying to copy Katie:

Parul on my canvas

Spent saturday evening painting Parul. I am not good with portraits at all . Parul looks way prettier in the photo i have tried to copy. Though i am not very satisfied with how its come up, I still love it cos it has parul in it.

More paintings on my flicker.

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procrastination

thou keep me busy, keep me online all the night..
keep all work aside, away from my sight..
the comic i read, the poem i write
my alt+tab-ing, its all thy might..

thou shall taste sweet, by whatever name be..
ah.. procrastination.. i bow in front of thee..

Blue Sky

There were times when the sky was blue,
Bright and lush and free..
And then came the times when it turned grey..
Dark and stormy and scary..

Now i keep put, under this roof of mine,
Cozy and warm and dry,
Just one thing i miss..
Sight of that amazing, carefree, crazy sky..

Painting

Spent the whole day sleeping . Cooked dinner. And painted after a loong time!! i love the easel my friends gave to me on my birthday! It s totally adjustable and i can paint while sitting on a chair as well. I love colouring!! mixing different colours and getting different shades. One thing i have always noticed is that my final painting always comes out different from what i had imagined. Also I need to work on my outlines, and try not smudging them. Note to self : Get bigger sheets to draw on.

Eva and Wall-e

Bought fishy today!! 2 awesome goldfish! One is called Eva and another Wall-e. Both are silver plus red in color. Got red pebbles for the bowl and red stool. I love the way my room looks now.
Eva has a silver face with red lips! looks like she s put on lipstick!! Wall-e is forever hungry!! i think he eats away Eva s food also. I am told not to give them more food than enough. hmm .. He keeps pooping in the bowl!
Both of them are very shy of camera, specially Eva. Havnt been able to get a good close up yet.

More pics on my flickr

Looking back

And i look back and wonder,
things that i have not yet forgotten,
things that still make my heart sour,
I let myself get carried away for a while,
but then i realize,
Its much easier to pretend i don’t really care anymore..

Life in a nutshell

So many things to blog about, no time. To cut several long stories short:
Went for the Bike trip. was awesome fun . love painting, love kids. thinking of mixing the two things. Met Manju. cool lady! Went to Bosco. Utsav- explore, express, exhilarate. Gaia-need to figure out the details. Close friend had a baby. yeee!! Office-Thinking of preparing a tech talk. Parul in blr. Coorg trip. Deepak went back. Mis him a lot. New roommate Vandita. She s fun. Got sponsorship for the stationary from Axis Books. yey!! That 70s show. watch it all day. Inspired by vandita, cleaned the house. Valentine s day. Missed the hack day. Pizzahut-Mr. Unnikrishnan looks positive, fingers crossed. Got a new maid. She understands hindi. Looking forward to the Utsav day over the weekend. Still finalizing on the details.
All this probably doesn’t make much sense. But thats life! and i love it!!

The Last Lecture

Just finished reading up this book. “The Last Lecture” by Randy Pausch. Truly inspiring. The guy just a few months away from his death captures his best moments, takes us through his childhood dreams and gives us this amazing insight into what made his life so amazing. Definitely makes me think about what i will say if i ever had to give a “Last Lecture”(hopefully not soon).

I remember being 12-13ish and living in a society. I remember the moonlight picnics we used to have, where the kids would bring dinners to the roof in the night and share it. One of the max fun memory i have is of the “mount averest” game where we would pretend being followed by huge Yetis and hopping around to avoid the hot lava. :D

As a little kid, i wanted to become an astronaut. I dont think i knew the word then. I remember “knowing” that earth is blue and its round and we live “inside” it. I guess i was confusing with the horizen effect and the earth being round.

Just like Randy mentions my parents have always been super cool. They would never stop us from doing weird things. Those weekly exhibitions me and my brothers would hold. The bestest of it being the planetorium my elder brother managed to makefrom the refrigirator carton. He made a few holes with the compass,  he wud make us go through a tunnel(tv carton) and once we were in, he wud throw the torch light from outside. Most beautiful “made up” stars i ever saw!!

Me and Bhaiya                                                        All of us in Khandala

We had shifted to my Dads office compound. The whole area was abundant with all kinds of trees, animals, birds. What i remember max are the peacocks!!! How they wd dance every morning in front of our lawn. And i remember the mango tree, the tricks and techniques we would use to make the fruit fall off. Another thing i realize after reading the book, how glad i am that my parents let the lawn remain our playground unlike the neighbours who had pretty flowers in theirs. My dad always encouraged us to go out, play, often joining us.

I remember the time when i came second missing the 1st position by just 0.1% in the class. I was so disappointed, i remember falling sick. When my dad got transferred from Delhi to Bhuvaneshwar,it was probably the most upsetting thing i experienced as a kid. I remember crying my eyes out for days, missing my school, my friends, my teachers. Kinda feels funny now. Makes me realize no matter how crazily difficult, heartbreaking and impossible the situation seems, the time always passes by and when you look back you realize it wasnt worth getting so much upset about.

Now that i am in bangalore, away from my parents, the thing i remember most is my mom’s hand. They are so pink, they always look like being smudged with “red holi wala gulal”.

Life in bangalore however has been awesome till now. Have an amazing group of friends. Crazily fun gang, highly motivated and party freaks. Deepak(my younger bro) being here is just the cherry on top. The random bike rides, going to CCDs, sitting there for hours reading a book, going for movie at 10 pm at night. I realize this is time i will probably never forget.

Recalling all these sure makes me feel lucky. Its never too soon to start looking back :)

Bday 09

“Surprise!!”, they shouted when i entered the room. It was filled with the smoke clouds. The disco lights danced around the wall, 100-200 red heart shaped balloons lying on the floor. 15-20 people all in red, “Monika… oh my darling!!” they sang… And that was how my Xth birthday started!
They had some sheets of paper in hand and asked me count.. and by the time i finished, a huge poster of mine was staring down at me, much like “rab ne bana di jodi style”. Then came the cake, the “happy bday to u…”, blowing the candle, cutting the cake, putting it on my face..

And then came the awesome gifts!! A beautiful handmade card on which everybody had dropped in msgs, One huge easel, lotsa paints, the canvas, brushes, palette, shoes, a bird that sings and dances if you clap near it, more colours, chocolates, another huge photo, more colours, bag, jewelry, teddy basket, another bag, a cute keychain, another bag, more cards and more colours..

And then came the dancing and singing and shouting and more dancing! The party began!!!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/10118076@N03/sets/72157612744509628/

I realize how lucky i am to have such amazing gang of friends. The past months have simply been awesome. Life pretty much rocks!